When Nail Polish Color Names Get Real

My favorite thing about getting my nails done isn’t the relaxation and pampering — it’s reading the names of the polish. As a writer who can’t resist a good pun, my dream job would be to work for O.P.I., ella + mila, butter London, Essie, or the like, creating names for their new nail shades.

 

Yesterday, I went with a friend to get manicures. We both got gels that were inadvertently just a few shades apart. My shade was called Dovetail, hers was called Broken Dreams. While Dovetail isn’t the most clever polish name ever created, at least it doesn’t make me want to sniff it until I pass out and forget who I am for a few minutes. Broken Dreams… that’s just bleak.

In the spirit of this dark shade and approaching warm weather, I’ve created the Hopeless Springs Eternal nail polish collection (available Spring/Summer 2019, exclusively in my mind):

1. Depths of Des-pear

Green Apple 2
Credit: My Lucid Bubble

2. Li-lackluster

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Source: glaminati.com

3. Sexual Harrass-mint

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Source: Essie

4. Colonosco-pea

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Credit: @fakeupfix

5. Melon-choly

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6. Sea a Therapist

 

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Source: @opi
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5 things I’ve learned so far this month.

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1. Don’t run important errands with your kids the day after Halloween. In fact, don’t go anywhere. Make like Charlie with his golden ticket and take those sleep-deprived suckers straight home. October 31 may claim to be a holiday of all things spooky, but November 1 is the true day of little zombies and monsters. Nothing is more frightening than a 4-year-old throwing a five-alarm tantrum while waiting in line to vote early. I was attempting to vote at a library (of course the quietest of all the places), and was so flustered that I ran out of there with her and a book I did not check out under my arm.

2. I have a doppelgänger at Walmart.  I live in a two-stoplight town just north of Asheville. “The Walmart” is the epicenter of everything. It’s the closest place to buy all the things without driving into The Big City. Judge if you must. So I was at The Walmart, when one of the employees tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he was all, “Whoah! You’re not her, but you look just like her!” He didn’t know her name, but apparently there was a woman who used to work in customer service there who is my twin. Apparently she still shops there a lot even though she no longer works there, so perhaps I will run into her one day. And if I see her in the check-out lane with a case of Mountain Dew, I’ll remind her what refined sugar does to our midsection.

3. Job hunting is like, HARD. Searching for a full-time job after freelancing part-time and mom-ing full-time for the past nine years feels like re-entering public school after being homeschooled. Only there aren’t any cool kids wearing pink or even art freaks dying to take me under their wing. I just keep putting myself out there, trying to sit with anyone in the proverbial career cafeteria who has an open chair. And I’m wishing I spoke Korean, had technical writing experience, or a deep love of vaping. Because that’s what these companies want, and I don’t have it. That being said, if you know of anyone looking to hire a stellar communications professional in Asheville or to work remotely, I’m your woman! (Kidding, not kidding.)

4. The “Insta” in Instagram is lost. I’ve really noticed more and more that both professional and personal accounts on Instagram have taken the instant spirit out of what used to be a spontaneous social media platform. If you’re scheduling out your Instagram posts or running your images through Lightroom and not simply using the filters readily available or (gasp!) #nofilter, you’re going against the entire purpose for which Instagram was intended. I’m an old school Instagrammer. That’s why most of my images aren’t of the highest quality and my comments are only as quippy as my brain is sharp at that instant.

5. “Funky Cold Medina” is a song about date rape. They’ve revived this song on one of my favorite radio stations, and the more I listen to it, the more horrified I get:

She said, “I’d like a drink, ” I said, “Ehm – ok, I’ll go get it

“Then a couple sips she cold licked her lips, and I knew that she was with it

He also drugs his dog, and there are definite anti-transgender undertones as well (remember Sheena?). And I used to roller skate to this shit. Can you imagine if this song came out today? Although there was “Blurred Lines.” Nothing blurry behind the meaning of that song.

That’s all.

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I Will Make You Feel Better About Yourself

I’m that friend. If you’ve gained 10 pounds, rest assured I’ve gained 20 (I really have). If you got a parking ticket, there’s a warrant out for my arrest for dodging traffic court. If you gave your child Mountain Dew in a baby bottle, well, that’s on you. That’s just plain wrong.

So it was no surprise when I received this text from a dear friend that I was able to cheer her up:

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To which I replied:

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And then I shared with my old friend the amazing capacity my new friend has for, well, me. This is a text within a text. Try to keep up:

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The girls’ night I had was with three women I’ve become friends with in the past couple of years. Those of you in your 30s and older know what I mean when I say it’s not easy making friends past a certain age.

  1. It’s simply more difficult to get to know people when you’re not shoved into social microcosms such as high school or college. It takes so much more time to get to know other women, and then you have to figure out which ones won’t be horribly offended by your borderline alcoholism and awkward blurts.
  2. Once you find other women you click with, you have to find the time to “date” them. Add kids into the mix and the time you have to meet up and go out with just friends is limited and precious.
  3. If you are lucky enough to find good friends in your 30s, you will want to keep them. A good way to do this is to not throw up on their furniture in the middle of the night. But if you are as fortunate as I am, that friend will not only be forgiving, but empathetic. At least this time.

I’m a 38-year-old mother of two. My career peaked at 24. A month ago I found myself spot-treating the skidmarks out of my husband’s mankini (which he owns purely for humor), wondering what happened to my life. About a week later, I puked on my friend’s pull-out bed. I truly feel things can only go up from here. In the meantime, at least my bottoms can serve to buoy my friends’ lowest moments up toward the surface (isn’t that how it works? I got a “C” in oceanography and physics). It’s not the purpose I was aiming for, but anything for a friend.

A Little Viral Media Humor For You.

Writing for a social sharing site is WAY different than writing for magazines. This story from Upworthy offers keen insight on why we choose to click on and share certain stories from our Facebook feeds and favorite websites. It’s a theory called the ‘curiosity gap’. And whether you’re a writer or not, the psychology behind it is very fascinating. If you’ve visited The Onion’s new sister site Clickhole, you’ll see how they brilliantly satire the whole concept.

Unless you are in the viral media biz, you aren’t going to get this, but I was so pleased with myself I had to share:) LOL!

CuriosityGap

 

 

 

Dads and Their Daughters’ Hair. The Last Two Videos Crack Me Up.

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 4.26.11 PMI’ve come to the point in my pregnancy (33 weeks!) where I no longer have the space in my stomach for a full meal. And if I over eat, look out. Which brings me to my plight two nights ago:

I ran out of bed to puke and ask Dave to grab me a ponytail holder to tie my hair back. He comes into the bathroom, hairband in hand looking perplexed. “What are you doing? Tie my hair back!” I politely barked.

“I don’t know how to do this,” he politely responded.

That’s when I realized he has a lot to learn about girls. Thanks to being with me for 15 years, he knows what an empire waist is why SJP rules, but ponytails and My Little Pony are uncharted territory. One of the few things I remember from my own early childhood is showing up to preschool one day with one pigtail tied at my neck and the other above the ear. “Awww, your mom’s out of town, isn’t she?” my teacher said with pity before fixing my poor dad’s attempt at a little girl’s hairdo.

In my ultrasound this week, the tech informed me our baby girl already has quite the head of hair, so it’s time to get cracking on Daddy/Daughter 101. For all you dads out there who need to know how to make a ponytail, you’re welcome:)

I love how this dad does his daughter’s hair. LOL!

This dad uses a vacuum! I wouldn’t try this at home:)

The Red Balloon

Is it just me or does this preschool project scream “drug mule in training”?

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Almost Wordless Wednesday

Back from Panama! It was an uh-MAZE-ing trip, but I was up for practically two days straight after a grueling travel schedule home, so I leave you with one of my favorite pics as an optical amuse-bouche of more to come. Bonus points if you can come up with a caption! Enjoy:)

 

I love my Friends.

Rarely a day goes by that I can’t relate a life lesson to one of my favorite all-time TV shows, or at least spout a random quote. This poster has been making the rounds on Pinterest and Facebook. It made me miss my Friends and made me smile (despite the typos and grammar mistakes). Had to share:

My favorites are 3, 7 and 31. Might I also add: Apartment pants are going to catch on. And: One must practice “Unagi” in order to reach a state of total awareness.

What did you learn from your Friends?

Advice for the working woman.

Just because I’m gainfully unemployed doesn’t mean I don’t have pearls of wisdom to offer you working women out there. Actually, this was something a friend emailed me three years ago when I was having a bad day at work. It made me snarf my latte.

I turned it into a post on a short-lived blog, and being that it’s NaNoWriMo time (made my goal today!), I’ll be re-posting a few gems from those days this month. If you were one of my tens of readers in 2008-09 when I blogged as Emily Postal, we can relive the glory days together:)

Originally posted September 25, 2008:

I emailed a close friend this morning, bitching about my job. I do that a lot. Her reply:

Here is a what I recommend…have fun with your job.  Listen to weird Indian music off your laptop and NEVER cover your mouth when you sneeze in the workplace…eventually they will promote you to an office!  I frequently have a contest with myself to see how far I can roll my chair away from people speaking in meetings…last week I made it into the hallway before someone asked what I was doing.  I told them I needed to toot.

Keep it light and have fun.

What are your working girl pearls of wisdom?