Every Flavor of Dairy-Free Halo Top Ice Cream, Ranked

Certain foods have no substitute. Seitan will never taste like steak, and vegan “cheese” is an oxymoron. I’m not a vegan or vegetarian, but I’m drawn to meat-alternative proteins such as tofu and tempeh (this tempeh is my all-time fave), and have been trying to cut back on my dairy. I also don’t have a sweet tooth… except for ice cream. I hate getting my knuckles all sticky, cajoling enough of the rock-hard confection out of its carton to fill a cup¬†bowl, yet I haven’t the will power to take just a bite or two and put it back. Halo Top ice cream was made for people like me. At least in theory. And when all of their dairy-free flavors were on sale at the store, it was like a sign (there was literally a sign). I’d had the oatmeal cookie dairy flavor and loved it, so I trial-and-errored my way through the non-dairy flavors only to find error after error. Sorry vegans. There’s a reason they put the “cream” in ice cream.

  1. Boiled chicken
  2. Poi
  3. Rice cakes
  4. .Wet paper
  5. Every flavor of Dairy-Free Halo Top ice cream

See what I did there?

I’ve also tried Arctic Zero, which was another fail. Is there a non-dairy ice cream out there that doesn’t make you feel like you’re being punished? Please share!

Unboxing Splendid Spoon

I know, I feel like an asshole for kowtowing to this whole unboxing fad, but I was so excited and curious about my first Splendid Spoon shipment that I thought it would be fun to share firsthand:

I just tried the Broccoli Hempseed soup. It was delish. And not just good-for-a-premade-healthy-soup delicious, but actually satisfying.

Photo via splendidspoon.com

My one complaint is a common pet peeve I have with portioned foods: When you read the nutrition label, it says that each of these containers includes two servings. C’mon now. Half of this little bowl is not enough to sustain anyone larger than a toddler for more than a minute. So when you’re looking at the calories, etc, you have to double it. This still puts you in at under 500 calories for lunch, not to mention all of the green goodness that comes with it. Both servings in that little container pack 40% of your daily iron!

I’m not under the delusion that five days of smoothies and soups per week alone will get me back to my happy weight, but it can’t hurt. One of the most convincing elements in the onslaught of Instagram ads was the testimonial of one woman who said she dropped five pounds in the first week. Again, not expecting miracles, but it gives me hope. Combining a healthy diet with meditation, less alcohol and more exercise (yoga, walking, and resistance band workouts) will hopefully yield some results in time for swimsuit season. Nothing like waiting ’til the last minute!

If this doesn’t work, I’m going to do my Drug Test Diet. That’s when you pretend you’re about to get drug tested for a new job. Spend seven days drinking as much water as you can and excessive exercise to sweat out as much “THC” as you can from your system and you would not believe what it will do for your figure:)